Rival Queens

[horses neighing] ♪ ♪ [chuckles] Was ist das?

Madame du Barry: It's good news.

You can have a child now.

[sighs] Don't we have to have sex first?

You'll be breeding like rabbits when you complete my course.

Mama says... [imitating Maria Theresa] If he won't come to you, you must go to him.

I've never had that problem, but he can't hold out forever.

Can't he?

It's been four months.

[sighs] Time for your lesson.

Let's start with revision.

Seduction begins with a kiss, and a kiss begins with your eyes.

And now my lips.

Close your eyes.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [loud thud] [footsteps recede] [knocks on door] Man: Come on.

Come on, boy.

Giddyap.

Good boy, good boy.

[laughs] [slams door] [candle stand clanks on floor] Stupid!

[scoffs] [floorboards creaking] [thud] ♪ ♪ [clock chimes] [clears throat] Ahh... Give it to me, Julie.

It must be the princess.

[door opens] So sorry.

I forgot the time.

I'm sorry.

Yes, it's very helpful, Prime Minister.

Thank you.

Madame du Barry: Perfect timing.

I need a gentleman's opinion.

King Louis XV: Darling.

Which do you prefer?

This ring... or that bracelet?

Neither.

D'Aiguillon has just shown me your accounts.

Huh.

I'll take both.

Excellent choice.

[King Louis XV chuckles softly] Madame du Barry: And you, D'Aiguillon?

Are you planning to slash my allowance from the privy purse?

[soft laughter] I am told that being sensible can't kill you... but why take the chance?

Whose turn is it this morning, France?

King Louis XV: Hmm?

Oh, you choose, my love.

I am honored, Sire.

[perfume bottle hissing] It will have to be Lamballe.

She's hopeless... and she hates men.

I know.

But if we don't find a wife for Papa, we will never get rid of that strumpet.

King Louis XV: Good God, Prime Minister.

We have been here so many times before.

This could mean war.

Why?

France would be obliged to take a stand against Austria if she joins in the carve-up of Poland.

Well, how can we go to war with our ally?

Our treaty has not been ratified.

Austria has not yet performed her duty to France.

It's perplexing, especially when Austria appears to be willing.

One can't help wondering if the problem lies with France.

There is nothing... wrong with my grandson.

The little Dauphine... arrived here completely unprepared, hmm?

Were you aware that she knew nothing about the marriage bed?

Madam du Barry has taken it upon herself to educate the girl, for heaven's sake.

She hadn't even started her menses.

Oh.

And if I don't care what the Countess spends... neither should you.

Hmm?

Good.

Someone was standing by my bureau.

Perhaps you were dreaming?

I can assure you I wasn't.

If Mops had been with me, he would have chased them off.

I will put in another request.

The French seem remarkably reluctant to allow him to return.

How are you settling in with your household?

Madam Etiquette doesn't stop snarling at me.

Perhaps she's not amused by her nickname.

I can't think who coined it.

[horse neighs] [horse whinnies] [indistinct chatter] Victoire: Did you see?

He completely ignored her.

Adelaide: Who can blame him?

Woman: Oh, my goodness.

It's so embarrassing.

You look delicious, my love.

Ohh.

[gasps] Slut.

Let's go hunting.

Come.

[horse neighing] [horse nickers] You knew she wasn't menstruating when she left Vienna?

I had no idea, Prime Minister.

Extraordinary... [door shuts nearby] that an Austrian diplomat with your experience would take France for a complete fool.

[indistinct conversations] [horse neighing] [indistinct chatter] [horse neighing] Are you not riding with us today, little Dauphine?

I can't ride, Papa Roi.

Oh?

Mama forbids it.

We shall have to find our way around that imperial diktat.

[both chuckle] Ah, our little Italian.

Always so very late.

I'm so sorry, Majesty.

I'm teasing you, child.

[laughter] [horse neighing] [horse nickers] [playing fanfare] [dogs barking] [man shouting commands] Isn't she magnificent?

She's teaching me the art of seduction.

Oh, be careful of her lessons.

Lamballe will never agree.

She's a shrinking violet.

The ostrich bitch will do our work for us.

[grunting] ♪ ♪ Oh, does that mean...?

[stag grunts] What is he doing?

♪ ♪ [gasps] [barking] [grunting] [grunts] [dogs barking, horses neighing] [horn blowing] [cheers] Bravo.

Bravo.

Bravo!

[horn music continues] [speaking indistinctly] [laughter] [squeals] King Louis XV: Ah, here she is.

[laughing] Ohh!

Did you enjoy the hunt, little Dauphine, huh?

Papa Roi, it was-- it was thrilling.

It really was.

King Louis XV: Look at you.

Oh, come here.

Isn't she adorable, huh?

Ha ha!

Someone's taken your seat.

Go and charm the pants off your husband.

Monsieur?

Wait.

Monsieur... you were so brave this morning.

I--I--gosh, I was certain the stag was going to get the better of you, but he didn't stand a chance.

I have never seen anything like it.

Would you like to visit me this evening?

[mumbles] [snickers] [chuckles] King Louis XV: Eat.

Eat.

Hmm?

Victoire: Oh, look at them.

I can't take any more.

Adelaide: She has got to go.

Why don't you come with me?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, I can be an absolute devil.

[chuckles] [laughter] It's a love apple from Spain.

[door closes] An aphrodisiac, apparently.

It--it's often confusing to be, um... to be confronted with the unfamiliar.

[chuckles softly] Yeah.

I--I've always found it best just to, um... plunge in.

Um... Mm-hmm, yes... [inhales and exhales] Hmm.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, the skin is tight.

[Whispers] My tip is meeting... resistance.

But if you just gently... push... through...

I find myself... soft, ripe interior.

[shudders] Oh.

[laughs] Am I--am I making any sense at all, my boy?

Should I eat it, Papa Roi?

You would let me eat it?

[sighs] [Marie Antoinette and King Louis XV chuckling] Brava, little Dauphine.

You are a natural.

[chuckles] Surely the Empress can't complain about you riding a donkey, now, can she?

Well, I'm not going to tell her, Papa Roi.

Well, neither will I.

[chuckles softly] Oh, France, let her rest.

She's already had one ass between her legs today.

Be careful, child.

Papa Roi has a penchant for virgins.

Ah.

Ooh.

[sipping] [door opens] Victoire: Ohh.

Ooh... Adelaide: Ooh... [mesdames speaking excitedly] Ahem.

My dog was sent back to Austria at the border.

Victoire: Oh, what a pity.

Why wasn't it allowed to stay?

Mops... didn't have a passport.

[chuckles] [Adelaide clears throat] So to business.

We have been searching all over Europe for a suitable wife for Papa, and we finally found her.

Victoire: Right here, under our nose.

Mm-hmm.

Who have you chosen this time, madam?

♪ Ta-da ♪ Me?

Why not?

She's less his type than all the others put together.

She'll do.

She's a princess of the blood.

Don't you want to be the Queen of France?

Lamballe: No.

[Victoire and Adelaide groan] Do I?

Perhaps our little Dauphine can assist us.

Papa will listen to you.

Does he want a wife?

Adelaide: What he wants is irrelevant.

Duty and decorum dictate that the king has a wife.

[chuckles] Then why doesn't he marry Madam du Barry?

How can the King of France marry...

The whore of Babylon?

What?

Do you know what a whore is?

[laughter] [Provence] Allow me, allow me.

She is a woman who á*á*á*á*á*á* for her supper.

Your friend was your age when she first spread her legs.

[gasps softly] Provence: Ah!

Ah!

Thank you, Monsieur.

Stop it.

Ooh!

Stop.

Provence: Ah!

Ah!

Thank you, Monsieur.

Adelaide: Boys!

Not in the mood?

What's new?

[thud] Oh!

Ha ha... Good Lord.

Ha ha... Victoire: Oh, dear.

[laughter] Too much?

Not enough.

Is it true?

[scoffs] I... well, I suppose you found it funny that I didn't know.

What is-- what is this place?

Is this my life now?

Trapped where I can trust no one, not even you.

You, Monsieur.

No, look at me.

Look at me.

Why?

Why don't you like me?

[sniffles] What... what have I done wrong?

Say something.

Speak!

Speak to me!

I am your wife.

When are you going to be my husband?

When?

[banging on door] [inhales and exhales deeply] ♪ ♪ [voice of Louis-Auguste] Friday the 21st.

The Dauphine lost her temper with me.

I think she is not suited to life at Versailles.

[door opens] Ready for your lesson?

Put that in the drawer for me, will you?

Madame du Barry: Time to explore what turns us ladies on between the sheets.

I'm busy.

I'll come back after supper.

We can have a girls' night in.

I'm busy.

Tomorrow?

Let me guess.

You're busy.

Have mesdames been filling your head with nonsense about me?

You should have told me!

Why?

Why didn't you?

My past is of no interest to me.

Why is it of any interest to you?

So you were making a fool of me?

Au contraire.

I was trying to help you.

Who else is there around here to do the job?

Oh, what a loyal friend I have.

♪ ♪ [door creaking] [door shuts] [hits table] "Do not indulge in the frivolity of the French!

"Remain a good Austrian archduchess.

"I have said it before to your sisters, and I will say it again to you..." "Don't go near a horse "until you have a bouncing Bourbon heir and a spare."

Why didn't she tell her daughter how to á*á*á*á*?

At least my mother had the decency to prepare me for my career.

And what a career.

From street girl to the King's favorite.

And all the way back again.

I'm going nowhere.

[door opens, closes] I wasn't dreaming, Mercy.

Someone stole it.

Someone stole Mama's letter.

I'll look into it.

In the meantime, keep out of trouble.

Marie: I'm not in trouble.

Have mesdames been drawing you into their little scheme?

How do you know about that?

Everyone knows about it.

There are no secrets here.

Right.

So you knew.

You knew about Madam du Barry?

What difference does it make who she was?

Difference?

A whore.

[chuckles softly] What-- what would Mama say?

The Empress says that if she is the King's favorite, you should be her friend.

Ah!

What about mesdames?

Don't get caught up in the crossfire between them and Madam du Barry.

It's their war, not yours.

Ah, hey!

I can't win.

Whichever way I turn, there's a trap.

[whispers] Welcome to Versailles.

Mesdames are on maneuvers.

Not again.

Who is it this time?

Lamballe.

[chuckles] [laughs] The only rival I have in my sights is our little Dauphine.

Well, if my brother won't jump on her, perhaps Papa Roi will do the deed.

Well, does little Dauphine protest?

If she pulls that stunt, I will chase her all the way back to Vienna.

[knock on door, door opens] Shall I come back later?

Provence is just leaving.

[laughs] Poor Provence.

Always the spare, never the heir.

[horses clopping] [footsteps] Mercy wants me to be friends with her.

She is not worthy to kiss your feet.

I thought she was looking out for me.

Du Barry only looks out for herself.

How can I help you, Toinette?

Will you marry Papa Roi?

Would you like me to?

King Louis XV: Black gold... from Guadeloupe.

Ah.

Hold out your hands.

Hmm?

Now, these... are the most expensive beans in the whole world.

I have precious diamonds that cost less.

[Marie gasps] But you, uh... you'd appreciate them, hmm, Lamballe?

You--you Italians, you love coffee, don't you?

Lamballe prefers hot chocolate.

King Louis XV: Oh.

Hmm, just you wait till she's tried my coffee, hmm?

Now... first, just... [sniffs] Ohh.

Intoxicating.

Aah!

[gasps] Oh.

Goodness.

King Louis XV: Ohh, ohh... Oh, no.

I'm so-- oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

Ohh.

Oh, God.

They're everywhere.

Lamballe: I am.

I'm sorry.

I'll--I'll just... [Lamballe stammers] Lamballe: I'll just get them from--oh, dear.

I... [Lamballe moaning softly] [Sobbing] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I...

It's fine.

It's fine.

Shh.

[Kiss] Keep going, keep going.

King Louis XV: Are we, uh, we all right back here?

Still searching for coffee beans.

There you go.

King Louis XV: Well, if that's how it is, uh... [Marie and King Louis XV laughing] Here they are.

You have reduced the King of France to a scullery maid.

[laughs] Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

[moans] Adelaide: Why were you crawling around on the floor?

Victoire: What did he say to you?

Adelaide: Did he upset you?

No, no, no.

[sobbing] Good Lord.

[Sighs] Adelaide: You've been a great help to us.

Thank you, Antoinette.

Did you have fun with Papa Roi?

He made us coffee.

Come and join me.

So you have made your choice.

I don't understand.

Oh, please.

Mesdames have been plotting to replace me since the day I arrived.

You're either in their camp or mine.

It's not too late to change your mind.

[door closes] [door opens, then shuts] Provence: Is she staying?

She's most definitely going.

Ha ha!

Bye-bye, little Dauphine.

You won't be missed by anyone, except Papa Roi.

I'll talk to France.

Isn't it time you spoke to him about me?

He barely notices I exist.

You are top of my list, as soon as I've dealt with her.

Duc de Choiseul: Our spies inform us that Austria is preparing to invade Poland.

King Louis XV: So this means war against Austria?

Not if you sign this, Sire.

The Empress can't make a move against Poland if our troops are sitting on her border.

Oh.

[footsteps approaching] Next.

Item two.

Mm-hmm.

Louis... specifically his inability to shag his wife.

She is the problem.

Besides, they're totally unsuited to one another.

Duc de Choiseul: Royal marriages are not made in Heaven.

Only a politician would try to mate them.

She's frigid.

He's mute.

King Louis XV: He... is the heir to my throne.

Exactly.

The boy needs a wife who will satisfy him.

The matter will be decided by-- by my grandson.

Mm-hmm.

King Louis XV: Item two.

King Louis XV: Thank you.

Mercy: Good work.

[deep voice] I'm learning, sir.

[door opens, then shuts] ♪ ♪ [footsteps approaching] We must stand down our troops.

Maria Theresa: Madam du Barry is plotting to remove Toinette.

[door opens, then shuts] Mercy: Why did you think I advised you to be neutral?

I didn't believe she would go this far.

If Louis has to choose, I don't stand a chance.

Mercy: Can't you win him over?

How?

How?

I've tried.

What else am I supposed to do?

Perhaps your mother will be able to guide you.

Burn it after you read it.

[voice of Theresa] "Don't lie down and give up, Toinette.

"You are an Austrian archduchess.

"Habsburgs never take no for an answer.

"Now tidy your hair, fix your face, and fight back."

Marie: Shut up!

[sighs] And you... You, too.

[hammering] [throws hammer on bench] [exhales] [pigeons cooing] ♪ ♪ [both chuckling softly] This is where you like to hide?

[laughs] Are these yours?

[wings flapping] [squeals and laughs] [laughs] [Louis-Auguste chuckling] [chuckles] [gasps] May I?

[gasps] It's glorious... when you remove all the people.

[chuckles] You will be a good king... monsieur.

I hope you will let me help you.

[music] [music] [indistinct chatter] [Duc de Choiseul laughs] It was exquisite.

Ahh!

I'd pay good money for a portrait of her little vixen face at that moment.

Would you, monsieur?

I hate our silly quarrels.

Why don't we kiss and make up?

Then we can get down to the business of ruling France together.

Your business, madam, is to service the King.

Mine is to govern France.

[choking and gasping] Is that so?

[laughing] It's time to make up your mind, boy.

♪ ♪ [groans] How could you?

Get out of my sight.

Come in, D'Aiguillon.

King Louis XV: Prime Minister.

♪ ♪ [cheers] [laughs] I am staying?

I never doubted you would succeed.

I am staying.

I'm staying.

♪ ♪ [scoffs] Looking for something?

I found it.

Why don't you join me for supper?

Mesdames are expecting me.

You really think you're something, don't you?

I am something.

I'm an Austrian archduchess.

I'm the Dauphine of France.

Who are you?

I'd rather be the King's whore than a frustrated virgin.

Still no progress in that department?

Maybe you weren't such a great teacher after all.

You're a poor student.

No grasp of the subject, no flair at all.

It won't be long before he gets rid of you.

Haven't you heard?

He has asked me to stay.

[door closes] Safe journey to Vienna, Rohan.

As our new ambassador, send our warmest wishes to the Empress.

Thank you, Countess.

Sire.

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

[door opens] [door closes] Now... we have got to find Provence a wife.

It's the only way to secure an heir.

[knocking on door] [gasps] Mops.

Oh!

Ohh.

Ohh... [chuckling] Mops.

Mops, have you missed me?

[laughs] [knocking on door] Come in.

[kiss] What is that thing doing here?

My husband delivered him to me.

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